Category: Uncategorized

Divorcing

Divorcing | Mending
Divorcing | Mending

June – 6/4/11 – Saturday

Let’s say, for the sake of example, that I’m annoyed, I’m irritated.  That’s not an entirely hard thing to imagine.  I do get that way.

The first question is: Why?  And from experience, I know that I could explain the situation in great detail of who did what and when, and now I’m irritated as a result, but that would’t truly answer why this feeling of annoyance flares within me.  The same set of circumstances could occur and it is also possible, even ideal, that I not be annoyed.

Research is showing that life is rather binary.  Whole sets of raw material exist, but what makes a condition is whether an element is on or off, a one or a null, a true or a false, etc., etc.  So an experience happens and “one”, “true”, “on”, I am annoyed.

Why?  Why does that happen?  Well, I imagine it is because that is how the switch is set, for whatever reason.  The life current is merely taking the path of least resistance, and it is obeying the signal: “yes to annoyance.”

Why “yes to annoyance”?  Well, there was a reason at some point that the switch was set that way, but that doesn’t mean the reason can be known to us, known to our conscious earth-bound character-selves, right now.  And if I don’t know that there is a switch, I can be resigned that this is just how I am, someone who gets annoyed.

But there is a switch, it exists, and I can divorce myself from the option it is on.  Not like a light, not in an instance; obviously not.  But I can stop every time that channel is taken and back track to the point it occurred, then, at some point, the switch becomes tangible.

I use annoyance as an example because I do go and get myself annoyed and it doesn’t appear to be particularly helpful—it is a feeling of forced-truth.  It’s a defense mechanism, I’m sure, to warn me against injustices and ill conceived devices, and for that I’m grateful.  When I was young and weak, it was a good thing that kept unwanted forces at bay.

I am not young nor weak anymore, and what annoyance does now is divert me from other options, more inclusive options.  These options could have been detrimental in my younger days, a whole new mine field of ones and zeros that could have become crystallized in very disadvantageous ways in relation to my authentic, pre-chosen self, my Self Senz’altro, where there is no other switch path than the one I’m on.

I know, to be more myself than I’ve ever been, I have to divorce myself from annoyance-on and embrace the path of annoyance-off.  I imagine that could all get a positive skin to it where I embrace temperance-on.  It will be a new experience.  Life will give me many chances to fail until I succeed.  If I am conscious of the switch, though, that is surely a sign that it is time to shift this particular consciousness variable.

It is time.

On The Way To riverrun

Sleep

Take me to the deepest well that plumbs this land of Circadia, do not let me dwell on feeling, on the corporal sealing where I remember the dealings of my mortal day, the play is over and curtain drawn, the dawn has not yet made tomorrow, and it would be my greatest sorrow to miss a break before it comes, give me absence, make me numb to thoughts, the past keeps creeping like a spider in my ear, I fear to let it go, to know another type of life, and yet I want the little death so much, to flick it off with a single touch, I want no more of what I have, I will to see my sheep in bed and counted, I’m comforted by the feast of breaths I’ve mounted, this last one twice the length, a gift to take me out of conscious dreams something finally without a meaning, just a sensation void of me, some tea I had and drank the tone in, crickets sing and their direction I go in, what is the way, where is the location, it must be that anywhere but here is a vacation, another gasp of air I take, my body continues to wear and ache, how does one achieve relaxation, can one choose inaction or will I simply have to weight I formulate no comprehension of my current state, though once adrift I now awake and am more lucid than when I bake under the simmers of my glimmering fate, the clouds cannot cover up what has come to pass, the last heat warms me still and keeps me jazzed around the ticking clock I bought eleven hours for myself and walked the lonely streets I emptied myself and hoped it would steep me in a better time driven by a better hour to stir and rustle join the bustle beat the monkey off the back and buy a new soul off the rack get a discount cause I know the owner woman wash me gently in cold water press my mind like a new pair of slacks boarders strut the pleat and stay completed never need to see the cleaners the seamier things were never true, the red is gone and I hug the blue the black the night attack the darker spheres of influence, from duty’s worry I would be truent if I could just get comfy in these sheets I hate these robes of state that oblige me to linger in debate now or later aggregate my peace leaves me twitch my eyes release the tension doubled are my views on modern civilization a terrible trap salvation with a road map I’ll get their one of these days something smelled strong of paint and I feared that lead was in the air but now it is gone an aimless whips of effort the cold contemplation of the soldier on the blink of humanity can it be the wet will never stop the dry will always mop the land the sand will drop over my face and bring me out of the running race to the slower pace is my ambition anything but this burning condition where I know no off I cough out streams of stimulation schemes to make the next best creation that has ever seen the light of may I may never see the dark behind the fall the winter rest that call to all lay down your weariness believe in progress once more heave the chest and sail on distant seas buoyed by a lighter me a person free of anchored angst who knows well enough to give my thanks toss about in relative ease mind the queues and cross with “please” remember that it has all bin done untied in the not dew create some fun before the legend pointing up forgets to fill the languid cup with regrets and move away fly too south end swims on a bay froth at the mouth float like a thin read to be great a volume can slow you down the words have wait for me till the soil toils raise the heaven bars note the singing knot bee two long four eight I the latest buzz missed the won and an eye got stung on the mark set game of go corner white make it right a way that blood itself will pump the calm phenom lays the track over bumps jumps the three legged man stands the clock on barrowed time falls to six then builds to nine there will be no one and two isn’t going to happen until zero is something to hang a hat on a tree is a good sign that life is ahead brimming with felt emotions mold to shape the landscape instead is laid back to refresh the fertility thrust forward progress beyond recognition taste this condition let it go black the held contraction keeping reality in the fore position open to things closed to oblivion we go stretch out away from self feeling nothing touching no thing boarders unbound the essence of one is the same in the other across the line collapses sensation cessation ceases unity found true in me glue that binds forever together too gather to disperse then find a new stick with continuity holds everything in the palm of a hand has no grasp a finger makes a situation up rises until it drops down town where feathers fall from grace we embrace the love chase chaste white rays out from internal space we all sea bricks drips in the wall water world wavers hour needed bread giving thanks ewe muchly wool whirl lately stop nano second time coming slowly

 

Looking At

“What is it?” X asked the figure sitting on the stone block. Sai turned briefly to see who was asking the question, “It’s been awhile since we’ve spoken.” X sat down without comment, transfixed by the view, “What is it?”

They looked at it together for a moment. “The future,” Sai replied. X squirmed unconsciously on the hard seat, “It’s amazing.” “Yeah,” agreed Sai.

X stared at the swirling future ahead and then snapped to Sai quickly, “Have you been able to see this the whole time?” “Yeah,” Sai answered quietly.

“Why did you never tell me?” X asked, a little hurt. “I did,” Sai replied, “Everything I said, everything I’ve done, was because of this.” “But you were standing in front of it,” X protested, “I couldn’t see it.” Sai stared at the future as the memories of the past came up. “The seat was always here. A step to either side of me and you would have seen it.”

X’s hands came up to cover X’s face. This was what X had been longing for—for as long as could be remembered. “You could have just said–” but X dropped the thought. “Everything happens at the right time,” sighed Sai.

“What do we do now?” asked X. “What do you mean?” asked Sai. “I mean we’ve seen it. It’s beautiful and it’s profound. We have to do something. We have to tell the others.”

“Do you think they’ll understand?” asked Sai unenthused. “They have to!” jumped X, “It would change everything, solve all problems. To know that it ends like this, well, what worries could exist?” Sai continued to stare into the future, “You didn’t understand.”

“But I get it now, I get it.” Sai looked calmly over at X, so young and brave. “It’s a tough direction to go,” Sai told him, “You would have to walk away from the future.”

“I can’t leave them all behind. It isn’t right. I have to tell them.”

“Everyone gets here in their own time,” and Sai relaxed on the stone block.

X scowled briefly. “I’m going back,” X declared, “I’m going to tell them about how great it is, how they don’t need to worry, that’s it’s going to be all right in the end.”

“That about sums it up,” Sai concurred. “It’s the perfect conclusion.”

“Come with me,” X said earnestly, “Two of us will convince them for sure.”

Sai kept staring ahead peacefully, “No.”

“Don’t you know what it’s like back there?” X asked anxiously.

“If I want to go back there,” Sai replied, “I’ll head that way,” and Sai pointed at the future.

“I don’t understand,” stated X stepping towards Sai.

“After that, it begins again. And we are all that is in between.”

X sat on the stone with Sai. They both looked at the future. “Then I’ll go ahead, and go back, and I’ll tell them all about it.”

“I know you will,” smiled Sai, “and I know I’ll see you here again someday.” They gave each other a knowing look, and with a sad resignation they hugged with love in their hearts. X stood with determination and slowly walked forward to the future that lay ahead. Sai waved goodbye, understanding everyones’ pain and seeing what great days they truly were through the lens of the end.